Perteeeee's Xanga

KAMALASAN NGA NAMAN PUNYETA

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 07:51:21 GMT

where do I effin start! okay, I'm enrolled regular already. Only thing I need to do is to enroll my pharma, 2 units, and since our load this sem is just 19 units, i can really find space for that subject. So I opted to cross enroll. I've been following a series of patterns where I had to do a lot of things to cross enroll at this certain school. it took me days!! the medtech office there is not open regularly. And recently i got a hold of the dean's number. ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THEY DON'T OFFER THAT SUBJECT! WTH! WTF!!! now I'm doomed to be delayed for one whole semester. PUNYETA! pag hindi ako nakahanap ng school na may pharma during wednesdays and saturdays, PATAY AKO PUNYETA!!!! SHIT! PUTANG INA!

bigat.

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 11:57:17 GMT

nakakapagod din. Ever since dad died I had a feeling I was taking over all the responsibilities. And true enough, here I am now. Yesterday I went to the grocery. Its been a long time Mama keeps ordering food and spending P200 or more EVERY MEAL. tatlo nalang kami, pero ganto pa rin ka-laki yung gastos namin. hindi na pwede yun sa sitwasyon namin. sobrang hindi na pwede. Kaya nag-grocery ako. Naisip ko, kada rice, we pay P10. A kilo f rice is just like P30. And the meals. I was able to get half a kilo of chicken legs at 72.00 compared to the food we buy which is like double the price and less the quantity.

Yung mga utang namin. Or rather, utang ni daddy, ako ngayon gumagawa ng paraan para mabayaran. Kulang nalang lumuhod ako sa mga tita ko para lang makakuha kami ng pera para mabayaran ang mga yun. Ubos na ubos narin yung pride ko, para lang makapaghanap ako ng pang tuition. Thank God, I was able to pay for the whole semester.

Minsan, ang bigat bigat na. Yung mga renter namin, hindi nagbabayad. Ang hirap nila singilin. Wala rin silang maibayad kasi hirap din sila. Sobrang hirap naman... ang bata ko pa para pasanin ang responsibilidad ni daddy. ALL of this, beside the fact na may sarili pa akong mga personal problems. I just ended a relationship...

Wala na kami ni jerick. c'mon. everyone knows its for the better, pero it doesn't feel that way. It always has.
minsan lang ang hapdi talaga. pag naaalala ko lahat... oh man. Ang hirap, I swear.

Hindi ko nga alam kun hanggang kailan ko papasanin ito lahat eh. Ang alam ko lang... wala akong choice.

Is this a rewind?

Sat, 09 May 2009 05:18:46 GMT

Ilang minuto nalang, dadating na si jerick dito. Mag-uusap na kami ng masinsinan.

Napag-usapan kasi naman kagabi na, tapusin nalang.
And last night, we both agreed.

Pero kanina, ang dami 'kong narealize. sobrang selfish ko na pala.
Kung makapagsalita ako, akala mo kung sinong perpekto.
I realized that what I did was not called "loving". It was loving to be loved.

I always said understood him.
I always said that I made more sacrifices for him.
I even shout at him.

Is that love?
Does love quantitate? or qualitate?
Now, we're down this road again... much like last summer.
I don't know what I want anymore.
No. I DO know.
But I don't know if its still possible.
I don't know if its still right.

Its about time I heard from myself.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:29:12 GMT

I don't know what's wrong with this year. 2009 is a really bad year for me, so far.
I got my grades already, I passed all my subjects, so I only have one year left before
I'm off to take the boards, and to venture the real world.
But last night, I kept crying...

most of my friends got cut from the college. And that included pops.
I don't understand why they had to take out so many students from the
college, we're so few to begin with...

So last night, I was with pops... after 2 days without communication, since he
pawned his phone to have more money for my birthday celebration
(I didn't approve of this. I just knew about it late)

Last night..

He was so devastated.

It was his last chance to be in this college... He only had 4 subjects and was under probation
he failed 2 of them. The bad thing about it is, he was worried about his mom. His mom is their
breadwinner, and she's kinda tired of working already due to her age. His mom has been
so devastated by his failures in the past...

And now, he got cut from the college.
He doesn't know how to tell his mom. He doesn't know if his mom will still let him study...

I'm gonna pour out my heart now.

When I lost jowh, I almost died. I was so lost for a long long time. It was a horrible feeling, really.
Me and jowh were together for a year, and it was the first time I fell. The pain of the break-up was never-ending. Its not only the breakup that hurt, it was "what happened after" that hurt most. He forgot about me. It was as if I never existed. After everything we've been through, It ended that way. All the promises, the life we built around each other...
I'm not good with relationships. I have the tendency to become selfish.
I have the tendency to lose my self discipline
I have the tendency to forget about other people
But God gave me another shot on having someone. Pops exceeded everything jowh has done for me. Not only by the time we were together but also, he sacrificed a lot for me, for "us". And now, we're in a situation wherein whatever we do, we're surely not going to see each other often. We don't even know when we'll see each other after yesterday. Malabo...malabong malabo.

I'm afraid to lose pops.
So afraid that I don't even know what I'll do to myself if I lose him.
pasalamat na nga ako, na kinaya ko pa mabuhay pagkatapos mawala ni jowh eh. Now i got a second shot to be happy, parang aalisin pa ata sa'kin. I'm so afraid. I'm not good with long distance relationships. I'm not used to that kind of rel. and I don't believe it works. NO... Not for me.

I lost daddy recently, and I haven't gotten over it yet. If I lose pops...
Ewan ko... bakit kaya ganun... just when everything was starting to get to normal
after daddy's death, babagsakan nanaman ako ng ganitong problema.

I hope everything turns out well..........

25-10-08

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 20:39:40 GMT

After a lot of thinking time on what to or not to blog about, its quite surprising to discover that you're mind gets a little better when its already 5a.m. in the morning.

I'm here at anne's place with diane (mae-c couldn't come) and thanks to her, i found a way to satisfy my hunger to see gossip girls season two. (Which apparently has been my addiction since last night, when I watched the full season till morning. much like tonight) I think people in my generation loved it for one reason. Its an extended Mean Girls series. lots of secrets, lots of twists, and a lot of girl evil.

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day for me, and for jerick. But unfortunatley, his kid is sick AGAIN which is why he didn't have the guts to ask money from his mom. 'cuz today, he's taking that child to the doctor. (do i sound indifferent? well, i guess that's what 5a.m. does to me, it makes me a little more honest) It didn't bug me that much, actually. It did, only for about an hour, then i was fine. Until he started all the drama again, asking me if i still loved him, and those things.

I just let it pass. It doesn't bug me as much as the early months. As I've heard on tv earlier... relationships also grow as time goes by. The past weeks have been smooth sailing for the both of us. And honestly, its doing us good.

We haven't been fighting as much (in fact, I couldn't remember the last time we fought)
It doesn't bug me anymore If I don't get to see him so often
It doesn't even bother me if he replies to me after an hour

Its not like I don't care anymore. I just...Grew.

In the early parts of our relationship, I was immature. I was insecure. I get easily annoyed by small things. And its also because of trust issues. Now, I guess its either I trust him a lot now, or I also want some time for myself. A lot of people may not realize, but my relationships that work are those in which I get to be with the guy often. That's why we made it for a year, and i guess, growth will make us stay longer. I'm very much happy with myself in my relationship.

The extra "c" in my life is wilting. the excitement is gone. He doesn't text me anymore. Well, its not all worth it anyway. maybe I just really liked the thrill, but even then, I knew it was gonna end sometime. But i gotta admit, It was really fun getting close to people who're mature for their age. Unlike most of the guys I know who're all about good time, being carefree and talking about themselves all day.

He's too young anyway.

Krysta torres - so trying hard to be friends with people from my school. what an act. so you realized you don't have friends anymore...deal with it. you're too pathetic. even for yourself.

to the freaks of the other section - watch out for me. its going to be a very very rough ride if fate drives me to you. especially to the girl with the thick lips. I hope you're pregnant. If not, I'll make you miserable anyway.

to my dear friend - c'mon. that girl's not even you're type. she has a bad reputation, she does not get along well with our friends, they don't like her, she's too aggressive for you...and...she's ugly.

bringin' out the bitch baby. xoxo

my lowest point

Fri, 29 Aug 2008 04:48:39 GMT

Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen
To the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release
Oh, the time has come
For my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you wonâ€™t listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known

Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I've followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've got to find my own

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh, I'm screamin out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside or worse
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't
Listen
To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete

Jek, hindi ko na alam kung anong kailangan kong gawin para lang maging ok tayo ulit. alam mo, lahat ginawa ko na. from the smallest things to the biggest. pagod na pagod na ko. hindi nako masaya. I did everthing for you. I gave you my life. Sobrang I gave you every piece of me. And all I wanted in return was for us to be okay. Pero sa ginagawa mo... tngina. parang wala ka na tlgang pakialam sa nararamdaman ko. everytime I feel bad. lagi mong sinasabi "ano nanaman!?" ITS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT YOU. ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL. PUTANGNA WHEN IS IT GONNA BE ABOUT ME NAMAN!!!! I'm the one who always adjust to whatever's comfortable to you. sobrang selfish mong tao. I told you what I felt, para kahit papano, maayos natin. pero what did you do? tangna. ikaw pa ang nagalit. IKAW NANAMAN. sobrang baba na ng tingin ko sa sarili ko dahil sayo. Sobrang tanga ko para magtiis dahil lang mahal kta. sht. pinagiipunan ko pa naman yung anniv gift ko sayo na gitara.

kung hindi ko pa nakausap si tristan kagabi, hindi ko marerealize na mali na lahat ng gngwa ko. I'm not happy anymore. And you don't even realize what you're doing to me. sobrang insensitive mo. sobra. alam mo, I don't care anymore. I just can't believe, na after all we've been through, magagawa mo to sakin. tatarantaduhin mo lang pala ako ulit.

calm down, puff...

I'm not happy anymore. He doesn't even show me that he still cares about me.
And it keeps getting more painful as time goes by. I've cared for you for so long... And now, I'm in the point of realizing that everything we've gone through means nothing to you. you're so insensitive. You refuse to compromise. Tapos ikaw pa tong may ganang mag walk out. See if I care. ang sama sama mo. sobrang sama mo. sobra. lagi mo nalang ako sinasaktan. hindi mo na naisip na hindi na ako masaya sa mga ginagawa mo... self-centered kang tao. and you so don't deserve me.

at last... I'm tired.

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:53:47 GMT

I'm tired. Tired of looking back at my almost perfect past.
Tired of reasoning out to myself about how me and jerick are doing.
we're not doin okay. I swear we're not. halata namang napapagod na siya sakn eh
kasi matagal na kami. kung dati, pag may nafifeel akong depression, he comforts me.
ngayon, ang sinasabi lang niya, "hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko". tapos hindi na
magrereply. I don't even feel na nafifeel nyang seryoso mga concerns ko eh.
tapos madalas, siya pa ang nagagalit.

when will he realize that I'm not okay...

I'm tired of pretending. pretending that I'm happy... that I'm okay.
Kahapon palang, I feel so alone na. I texted a lot of people.
I wanted company. Pero lahat ng tao wala... may ginagawa...
then this afternoon, I did too. but everyone was still busy. Everyone
unavailable. kahit si jerick. nakakapagod na talaga. I'm also tired of crying,
crying because I son't know what to do anymore.

Oh sige aminan na. I don't know if I still love him that much.
After all the work I've done to make this relationship work...
And after the bad attitude he's been showing... Does he even care to ask
If I'm okay? Does he even know that I'm not?

Other people will get bothered if they hear their loved ones in distress...
but him? he doesn't even care. maybe that's the problem.
maybe he doesn't want to care. But saying all this, doesn't bother me at all.
Cuz I know in my heart... I'm tired of trying to fix things with him na.
I'm tired of doing all the effort in making this relationship work.

I'm tired.

so tired.

this doesn't come very often

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 11:06:37 GMT

I barely remember my 2007. that whole year.
I guess Its because It was characterized by the many wrong decisions I made.
I've been making stupid decisions. and that was how I managed my life.
And until now, I've been doing the same.

And all through my college life I wasn't aware that I haven't been treating a lot of
people the right way. And I first realized it recently. It just so happened that
my circle of friends became smaller. And the people left in my batch are the ones
who i never talked to. (and never wanted to either)

Now its taking a toll on me. I feel out of place. I'm so lonely. and I'm not ashamed to
admit it. I've closed my whole life to someone and our circle of friends.
Now I got that same old circumstance. And I don't know if I'm happy about it.
I'm not one of the "smart people" anymore. I'm just "nothing but common"

I just don't know what to do anymore. i know all this i'm feeling is because of my own
mistakes and decisions.

(buti nalang kahit papano... bumalik na ng konti yung sipag kong mag-aral)

please don't judge me

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 10:41:48 GMT

it was a blur. and now im in this position....

I don't even know if this is worth it or not.

all I know is i want to find the answer to this question.

10 months na kami bukas.

i wish

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:20:35 GMT

I wish I could have just normal school problems like regular student
I wish I could just be stressed about schoolwork instead of having
the kind of problems with a no way out.

I still couldn't find the answer why I still haven't committed suicide up
until today.
I hate updating people about myself.
cause all I tell them are problems.
cause lately, all that's happening to my life are problems.

I'm back in that position where it would be a luxury if I'd just
NOT wake up the next day.
Back in that old position where I don't know why the f*ck
am I still alive. I've been questioning myself why the F am I still here.

What's the effing purpose all these are happening to me.

Maybe I'm a bad person after all.
Maybe I'm just someone who looks okay, that's why people
really never noticed that I'm evil. And I'm just effing destined to be unhappy.

I'm tired. but I'm still here. I don't know why.